Back from the abyss...

Needless to say, I've had a busy semester.  Here's an update on my general state -- more event-specific (and fun, picture-filled) posts to follow.  

I completed my first year of grad school with mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I accomplished quite a lot: I made huge strides as a cellist, formed a serious string quartet (and boy, did we work hard), gave a presentation at a graduate student conference in Canada, made it gracefully through an insane schedule as symphony orchestra librarian, and did well in (and more importantly, enjoyed and learned from) all my classes...  But, on the other hand: the quartet has broken up, at least partially, without accomplishing many of the goals I had for it (I have a bitter taste in my mouth), my recital was flawed to the point where I have to admit that there is still a long road for me to travel as a cellist, and there is still one big mess in the music library, that I will probably end up cleaning up this summer, on my own time...  

I guess some of my mixed feelings are also due to the fact that I still don't know where I'm headed with all of this.  I'm trying to use this masters degree to follow the rabbit hole of cello playing as far as I can, and thereby explore the limits of my desires and capabilities (I don't want to be one of those old ladies who constantly talks of the career she could have had as a professional musician *if only* she hadn't done other things -- I don't want those doubts and delusions nagging me).  And the degree is working for that -- I am beginning to know what I am capable of as a cellist.  I guess I just don't know that I want to put all of my energy into chasing that (in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't).  But here I am in a performance degree.  

I guess this is an old story for those of you who know me -- questioning my path, trying different routes...  I think the thing that nags at me now is this: if I've been asking the same questions about being a musician since high school, then why do I keep coming back to it?  I keep thinking it's not for me as a profession -- but then as soon as I'm away for any length of time, I come back to it.  Will I do that again if I leave it behind again?  Am I ready to leave it behind again?  I'm certainly not motivated in the way I need to be if I do want to pursue it -- but what stops me from walking away?  

Maybe that's what I'll try and answer this summer and next year.  

I've also been thinking a lot about music therapy this semester.  The interest was sparked by my time in the hospital (how can I help make a place that has nothing to do with healing and wholeness have some degree of humanity?).  I don't know where this interest will lead, but it's in the incubator.  Also connected to this is an interest in music and cognitive science.  Again, not sure what will come of these thoughts.  

But it's summer now, and I'm relaxing a lot.  There's a lot to process from the last several years (ie: 2008 -- heart condition diagnosis and 2 surgical procedures, graduating from college finally, Godmother diagnosed with cancer, trip to Europe, WEDDING, MARRIAGE, starting grad school, adopting Kitty B; 2007: mysterious fatigue virus, meeting my husband (falling in love for real), India, giardia; 2006: living in Berlin, moving back to the US....  I could go on, but you get the idea).  There are layers and layers that I've never had the time to deal with properly.  And so now I'm trying to take time in a gentle and wandering fashion.  

So that's life here and now.  As I said, more fun posts to catch you up on some of the specifics in the coming weeks.